What Does It Actually Mean to Be More Gentle With Yourself?

Today a client asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks:

“Can you give me concrete examples of what ‘being more understanding’ or ‘more gentle with myself’ actually looks like? I hear people say it, but I don’t know how to do it. And how do you do that without completely letting yourself off the hook?”

Such a good question — and one so many women quietly wonder about.

We hear phrases like give yourself grace, be gentle, lower your expectations, listen to your body… but what does that look like in real life, especially when you’re someone who’s used to pushing, performing, and showing up for everyone?

Let’s talk about it.

Gentleness Isn’t Laziness — It’s Adjustment

Being gentle with yourself doesn’t mean giving up, slacking off, or abandoning your values. It means adjusting your expectations based on the reality of your life.

It means setting new priorities when life shifts.

And yes — sometimes it means letting go of goals or standards you once held tightly because they no longer fit the season you’re in.

That’s not weakness. That’s wisdom.

The Pressure to “Push Through” Is Everywhere

We live in a culture that worships productivity:

• Set a goal

• Take action

• Hustle

• Achieve

• Repeat

We’re told that if we work hard enough, anything is possible. But here’s the truth that no one likes to say out loud:

Effort is not always a guarantee of success.

Sometimes life hands you roadblocks you never saw coming — medical diagnoses, loss, trauma, accidents, sick children, financial strain, aging, injury, unexpected change.

The Sphere of Control: What You Can and Cannot Carry

In behavioural psychology, we often talk about the sphere of control — the understanding that some things are fully within your control, some things you can influence, and some things are completely outside your control.

Learning to be gentle with yourself begins with knowing the difference. When you stop trying to manage what was never yours to manage, you free up energy for the things you can change.

Inside Your Total Control

These are the things you have full authority over — the areas where your choices directly shape your outcomes.

• Your choices

• Your habits

• Your boundaries

• Your priorities

• Your self‑talk

• How you care for your body

• How you respond to challenges

• What you say yes or no to

• The pace at which you take action

These are the places where effort, intention, and consistency truly matter.

Outside Your Control (But You Can Influence Them)

These are areas where you can show up, support, guide, or contribute — but you cannot guarantee the outcome.

• Other people’s behaviour

• Medical issues

• Accidents

• Unexpected crises

• The needs of your family

• The pace of healing

• The outcomes of your efforts

• Workplace demands

• The timing of opportunities

• How long change takes

You can influence these areas through communication, boundaries, preparation, and care — but you cannot force them to go your way.

No Control At All

These are the things you carry mentally or emotionally, even though you have zero ability to change them. Releasing these is a major part of being gentle with yourself.

• Other people’s choices, reactions, emotions

• Other people’s opinions of you

• Other people’s communication style

• The weather

• Traffic

• Delays

• Illness

• Job loss

• Economic changes

• Global events

• Natural disasters

• Aging

• Genetics

• The past

• The future

• How others perceive your efforts

Trying to control these leads to frustration, shame, and burnout. Letting them go creates space for peace, clarity, and realistic expectations.

Why This Matters for Self‑Compassion

When your expectations don’t match your reality, you suffer. When your expectations match your actual sphere of control, you grow.

Being gentle with yourself doesn’t mean lowering your standards into nothingness. It means aligning your standards with the season you’re in and the things you can genuinely influence.

It means asking:

• Is this mine to carry?

• Is this within my control?

• Do I need to adjust my expectations?

• What matters most today?

Gentleness is not giving up. It’s choosing wisely where to place your effort.

A Personal Example: My Last Three Years

In the past three years, I’ve gained 30 pounds.

Not because I “let myself go.” Not because I don’t know how to eat or move. Not because I’m undisciplined.

But because life shifted — dramatically.

We’ve walked through major challenges with my daughter’s health. Stress has been high. Sleep has been inconsistent. Movement has looked different. Nutrition has been impacted. My body has aged. I’ve had injuries and setbacks. My family’s needs have changed.

And in that season, I had to choose:

Do I cling to the old goals and punish myself for not meeting them? Or do I adjust my priorities to match the life I’m actually living?

I chose the second.

I prioritized:

• The overall health and stability of my family

• Movement that felt good, not punishing

• Walks, stretching, gentle workouts, and family activity

• Sleep and rest so I could cope mentally

• Stress management so I could show up for the people who need me

Did those choices lead to weight gain? Yes.

But did they also lead to resilience, presence, and the ability to support my family through a hard season? Absolutely.

And that matters more.

The Myth of “Arriving”

We often think that if we just “pull up our socks” and grind harder, we’ll finally arrive at some magical destination where everything feels easy.

But here’s the truth:

There is no arrival.

After one goal comes another. After one challenge comes the next. Life is not a straight line — it’s a journey (even if that phrase makes you roll your eyes a little).

The destination is fleeting. The process is where character is built.

Romans 5 says it beautifully:

“Suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope.”

The hard stuff shapes us. It strengthens us. It deepens us. It builds hope.

So What Does Being Gentle With Yourself Actually Look Like?

It looks like this:

• Stop trying so hard to be superhuman.

• Ask yourself what your true priority is today — not last year, not last month, not in your ideal world. Today.

• Do that one thing.

• Then ask what’s next.

• Decide what’s negotiable and what’s non‑negotiable.

• Release the goals that no longer fit your season.

• Adjust the ones that still matter.

• Let your values guide you, not guilt.

Gentleness is not letting yourself off the hook. It’s choosing the right hook for the season you’re in.

Not Off the Hook — Just a Different Hook

My priorities look different now — and that’s okay.

In this season, I’ve chosen:

• Family health over a specific weight

• Enjoyable movement over punishing workouts

• Rest over hustle

• Mental stability over perfection

• Presence over performance

Does that mean I’m heavier? Yes. Does that mean I’m failing? No. It means I’m living in alignment with what matters most right now. And that is enough.

Am I bothered by the added weight I now carry? Of course I am. I’m human. But in terms of priorities, I’m willing to carry that burden if it means I can show up better for my family.

Am I unhealthy? No — that would be a different conversation. Am I constantly working to maintain and improve my nutrition, sleep, movement, and stress management? Absolutely. Do I take steps to have others help hold me accountable to my own health — even in the midst of the chaos? Yes. Because I know I need support too.

This isn’t about letting myself off the hook. It’s about choosing a different hook — one that reflects the season I’m in, the values I hold, and the reality I’m living.

I’m still showing up. I’m still doing the work. It just looks different right now.

And that’s okay.